I keep tripping over the phrase “we immigrants” in Justine Strand de Oliveira’s substack post – “Echoes of 1975: another reason we immigrants don’t understand Portugal”.

It’s a thoughtful post about why “we immigrants” can never fully understand Portugal. It’s well-researched, touching on the complexity of 1975, that turbulent year after the Carnation Revolution when everything hung in the balance.

But: who exactly are “we immigrants”? And why does this title make me flinch?

I’m afraid that the phrase “we immigrants” used in this context performs a kind of epistemic move that is the mirror image of what Elísio Macamo, a Mozambican sociologist, describes in his article “Sobre a superioridade inocente de Portugal” (read in Público)

Where the Portuguese person in Macamo’s example assumes the position of well-intentioned educator (preventing genuine dialogue), Justine’s “we immigrants” here assumes the position of a humble learner who can never fully understand – but in doing so, is actually claiming a particular kind of authority: the authority to define what the immigrant experience is, and to speak for a collective that doesn’t exist as she imagines it.

It’s something about “performing innocent humility”. It’s like the acknowledgment of one’s outsider status becomes its own form of positioning. “I know I can never truly understand” becomes a way of claiming a particular kind of sophisticated awareness that risks avoiding the messier reality of actual negotiation and relationship-building over time.

I came here 35 years ago—born and brought up in Kenya but living in England—carrying my own Portuguese mythology. My imagination had been triggered by my scuba diving off sixteenth century Portuguese wrecks in Mombasa harbour, collecting artefacts for the local museum. I was tantalized by Gedi, the hastily abandoned coastal town where legend says everyone fled when the “short men of the sea” (the Portuguese) were sighted coming to shore. I had been stung by Portuguese men o’ war.

 

The ruins of Gedi in Kenya, shaping my imagination of the Portuguese in Portugal. 

None of it was historically accurate. It was my Portugal before I got here.

The “real” Portugal was different. A windowless apartment in Carcavelos. Drinking water before bed because I couldn’t afford an alarm clock. Dancing at the sambódia every Sunday above the bombeiros. Learning Portuguese subjunctive from a Brazilian boyfriend whose complaints always started “Se fosse uma Brazileira…”

It was a different starting point from an American expat discovering the Carnation Revolution.

So my problem with “we immigrants” is that the framing treats belonging as binary – you either have access to the collective memory or you don’t – when my experience shows it is much more about the particular shape of your entanglement with the country. After 35 years, I’m not still waiting outside hoping to understand Portugal. I’ve built a life that is part of whatever Portugal is now, in my corner of it.

“We immigrants” isn’t a story about trying to grasp an elusive collective memory. It’s just… life. Piecing things together. Making mistakes. Building relationships. Watching Portugal change while you change too.

For all its good intentions, this is what I hear in the phrase “we immigrants”:

  • A shared epistemological position (outsiders who can’t fully understand)
  • A shared relationship to the host country (guests, learners, respectful observers)
  • A shared class position (people with the leisure to read Faulkner, reflect on collective memory, exercise thoughtfulness)
  • A shared national/cultural starting point (probably Western, probably anglophone)

And this is what it seems to obscure:

  • The Nepali worker in construction who may never learn Portuguese
  • The Brazilian who navigates a complex relationship of linguistic connection and social hierarchy
  • The Syrian refugee who didn’t choose to be here
  • The wealthy American retiree whose arrival is literally changing housing markets
  • Me, with my 35-year relationship to this place and my own complex history with Portuguese imaginaries that predates my arrival

My experience is not about never being able to fully grasp Portugal’s collective memory – it’s about having constructed my own relationship to a place over decades, one that includes both understanding and non-understanding, belonging and non-belonging, in ways that are unique to my particular trajectory.

 

Translating from Portuguese:

  • “Sobre a superioridade inocente de Portugal” – “About the innocent superiority of Portugal”
  • “Se fosse uma Brazileira..” – If you were a Brazilian woman

Chinese visitors

About once a week we get tourists wondering onto our property. They take photos – of the view, of the house, of us in the house, selfies with or without us. It’s kind of weird. Except for a very few, they are Chinese tourists. They rarely speak English. I wonder if we have got onto someone’s Facebook or Instagram page. 

There’s no reason to mind. They are definitely not scoping the joint for a future burglary (I’m pretty sure). They just like the view – and who’s to say the view belongs to us? And they are curious about the “locals” and how they live. Me too!

I have thought, though, of jumping around like a monkey. Or raising my shirt. Or even coming out to greet them with no clothes on. As if it were normal. We’ve also wondered if we should put a sign up at the entrance asking for €5 a photo.

But who knows, if they keep coming, maybe one day we’ll be famous on Chinese TikTok (Douyin)!

WhatsApp creates so much noise. Happy Easter. Thanks. Heart moji.  Same to you. Repeat similar sequence for all in the group.

Except me.

Do I add to the noise? Do I say Happy Easter or shall I be the only one who says nothing?

Everyone will think I’m dour and no fun.

Or do I add my bit, however inauthentic?  After all, what do I care about Easter? And I’m working so it makes no difference to me.

So many pings. They disturb me. But I haven’t added my happy wishes for an Easter I don’t care about and that disturbs me too.

Inauthentic or dour? What should I be?

I subscribe to a Swedish lingerie shop just for the pictures. Sounds pervy, but hear me out. The models are wonderful, beautiful, inspirational people of all shapes, sizes and ages. There really is no need to be bombarded with touched up, idealised images all the time. We are beautiful in all our imperfect glory.

If you eat lots of sugary stuff, it takes a certain discipline to retrain your body to appreciate good food.  And it’s probably the same with body images – they have become tempting candies. And the only things on offer. They make you forget how scrumptious is a good apricot or date crumble.

Of course, some lacy underwear helps! 

Around 40 years ago there was an ad from Channel 4, UK TV, inviting people who had an original idea for travel they wanted to do. They would follow and film the story of you doing it.

Never one to miss an opportunity I applied with my idea: to travel to India and beyond teaching local kids circus skills. I had spent a good six months with Billy, the Community Circus in Leicester, UK , and had enjoyed learning to teach kids how to tightrope walk, walk on stilts, juggle, be a clown and to put on a circus show. 

I went for an interview in the basement of a big house in London (I think) and presented my idea with the cameras rolling. I guess that bit was to see how we were under the spotlight. 

I didn’t get it, needless to say!

The right to sex

22-01-11 Feminism

I’m half-way through Asia Srinivasan’s book of essays about the politics of desire. The author looks so young, I’m in awe at how cleverly she thinks and how masterfully she writes. I was twenty-five when she was born, with still another forty years to grow up. She’s not yet forty and I’m still waiting to be as articulate as she is. 

She has a wonderful line in the preface: “At its best, feminist theory is grounded in what women think when they are by themselves…“. So here I am, trying to make sense of what I think while I’m by myself. 

The rest of the quote goes “… what they say to each other on the picket line and on the assembly line and on the street corner and in the bedroom, what they have tried to say to their husbands and fathers and sones and bosses and elected officials a thousand times over.”

 

Tradeoffs

I’m looking forward to a nice glass of wine later. I’ll probably drink two or three.

Funny thing was having a Doppler ultrasound on my heart today. I heard my heart beating and the doc got a good few pictures of it. I heard (again) that my aorta is stretched – not to worry about, but it’s to keep an eye on. 

It gets you thinking about tradeoffs … how many days (?) hours (?) minutes (?) am I prepared to trade for that glass of wine? Aorta v rush of pleasure.

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The gawky boy on the side

The ninja class
The ninja class

That’s me with the red belt – a 62 year old who should be at home knitting woolies for her grandkids. Fifty minutes of running around followed by learning new moves for throws and kicks. Everyone is remarkably patient with me.

My big takeaway was being settled in for “kamae“, the stance or posture you get into in preparation for a move. 

I had mistakenly thought I should be coiled and ready to spring but…

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